The Adventure of St. Mykel the Pig


I wrote this play, intending it to be "performed" during the running of the PBeM. Unfortunately, this never happened, so it is released here in an unfinished format. I have left the asterisked comments in, though these were simply notes to myself about what else to put in. I hope you enjoy this, it was fun writing it.

A Play in Two Acts

being the story of how St. Mykel turns into a pig
and saves the land from the evil of the sorceror Harrack,
with the aid of the Goddess Peoni

Dramatis Personae

St. Mykel, patron Saint of Tonot
Peoni, Lady of the land
Harrack, an evil priest
Chorus of famers

The Text


Scene i

[The chorus of farmers enters from the left.]

CHORUS: We have left our fields and our animals untended, for we face today a grave threat to the land. Contrary to nature our crops are not sprouting, they wither and die before our eyes. Our cattle are dry and the chickens lay no eggs. Our doom is upon us, we cannot fight this menace alone. Where now are the gods that can protect us?

***Insert more intro information, the current situation, maybe some references to recentish local events***

[The chorus move to the back of the stage.]

Scene ii

[Harrack enters from the right. He is dressed in a large red cloak, with an iron helm on his head, and holding a staff.]

HARRACK: Can there be any doubt, any doubt at all, that now is the hour when all men shall tremble, and the land shall groan as it gives forth its new master from the deepest pits? Truly he shall be mighty and terrible, and it shall be I who calls him forth. He shall shatter this puny land, slaughter the beasts, and look upon a barren waste. And I, Harrack, shall be there at his side.

***More rantings, perhaps the beginning of his "spell".***

[Harrack moves back to a corner.]

Scene iii

[The Chorus return to the front, chanting.]


O Lady, mistress of our land,
Who dwells in fertile Valon,
We beseech you
Cast your eyes down onto this imperfect world.
We call upon you as our saviour,
To right the ills that haunt us.
In the furthest past when you walked the earth
You loved these unploughed fields.
And now when danger threatens them,
Your children gather round and pray
That before this day's light is gone,
The balance will be restored.
In any matter such as this
The old ways are best.

We call upon you as our Mother,
To calm our fears, as when
In any matter such as this
The old ways are best.

***One or two more verses in a similar vein - need more obscure references to Peoni and followers. :)***

[Harrack leave the stage. The Chorus remain unobtrusively at the back and sides.]

Scene iv

[Peoni enters from the back. She is dressed in simple clothes of pale blue.]

PEONI: Here in Valon all is as it should be, the land in gentle harmony with all the elements. But a strange disquiet intrudes upon my garden, though its source is not of this place. My people, far below, call to me, request my aid. They are troubled. I must aid them, I shall send down my helper St. Mykel to aid them in their distress. [Calling out:] St. Mykel!

[St. Mykel enters from the back. He is also dressed in simple clothes, but they are bright colours, and he wears a jaunty cap.]

ST. MYKEL: I am here, my Lady, ready to do your bidding. Even before I rose up to this paradise I have been your faithful follower and servant. Let me help you now in whatever way I may. Are there crops to ripen, or cheese to bless, or perhaps a wounded cow to cure? I can do all these things and more, yes, for it was I who saved the land from the flames of the dragon's breath!

PEONI: You are indeed one of my most faithful followers, though a little long in the tongue!

ST. MYKEL: It is a long story, my Lady, but a good one, I'm sure you agree. The others here never tire of listening to it, how I called out to heaven and my cries were answered, and suddenly I was in the air, beating mighty wings and roaring out a challenge to my enemy. If you have but a moment, I could relate how the monster I faced was defeated by my cunning.

PEONI: There are others who need you. Go to them, and serve your mistress well.

[Peoni leaves at the back with St. Mykel.]

Act II

Scene i

[Harrack returns from the right.]

HARRACK: By fire, by flame, with blood we feed...

***And on and on - continuation of his previous speech.***

[St. Mykel enters from the back.]

ST MYKEL: Here is the evil I have sought so long to find, that one who perverts the land with his foul rites. No more shall he be permitted to speak. Both he and his master shall be banished from this world. Now watch me deal with the pompous ass! I shall trick him, pretending to be a simple farmer, and he a mighty lord. Haha, in this way I shall catch him off his guard, and once again the Trickster will emerge victorious!

[St. Mykel adopts a stoop, and walks across towards Harrack, interrupting his ritual.]

ST. MYKEL: Why, 'ello there, good lord! I wasn't expectin' to meet anyone else in these 'ere parts, what with the land being so blasted an' barren. What be your name, if I might be so bold? [To audience:] He has no idea of the true extent of my audacity!

HARRACK: Begone, foolish man! I care nothing for your presence. Do you not see me here, busy in word and deed? I, Harrack the Bringer of Death, the Eater of Children, and Servant of the Great Darkness? Begone, I say again, and do not trouble your betters!

ST. MYKEL: [To audience:] Now, isn't he the grumpy one? Must be working too hard, waving that stick about and shouting at the top of his lungs. Why, he could get blisters on both his hands and throat, at this rate! [To Harrack:] Oh aye, right you are, sir. Begging yer pardon sir, I'm right sorry to trouble ye. [Pauses.] But if I may, I do 'ave one question for ye.

HARRACK: [Slowly, as if to a simpleton, but with increasing animation.] I am casting a spell, you meddling loon, to summon up a pestilence to blight this land, and all who dwell therein. Soon my work here will be done, and I shall rule all the world!

ST. MYKEL: Oh dear, oh dear! Does that mean we're all goin' t' die? [To audience:] The madman, he doesn't realise I'm immortal.

HARRACK: Enough! My work is almost done.

ST. MYKEL: [To audience:] While mine is just beginning! [To Harrack:] I fear your nefarious deeds shall come to nought, for rather than the simple peasant you took me to be, I am none other than St. Mykel! Yes, that's right, the faithful servant of the Good Lady, the heroic defender of purity and right, with a matchless wit to boot! Cease your rituals, and face judgment.

HARRACK: So, the worm has claws. But they will not avail you - stand aside and grovel before your new master.

ST. MYKEL: You're no match for a dragon-slayer, Harrack. Why, I could easily turn into a raging bull and trample you under my feet! Or better yet, a giant man of stone to rend you limb from limb. What a plucked chicken you would be then!

HARRACK: [Laughs.] Go on then, call upon your dear sweet lady. She cannot match my power.

ST MYKEL: [Chanting, and prancing about the stage.] I call upon those that guide and direct me to hear my prayers. O Peoni, Peaceful Lady of the Soothing Word, Gentle Guardian of the Earth, I call upon thee. O Yrbera, Lord of the Wild Places, Protector of the Earth's Creatures, lend me your strength. Let me be the vessel of your wrath. Let me smite down this evil one who threatens you. Let me take on the shape of your most loved, yet deadly creature, let me turn into...

[At this point St. Mykel stumbles, and falls into the "pit". There is a cry, and then a pig appears where St. Mykel had been.]

HARRACK: [Laughs.] My, what a great threat you are to me now! I tremble in fear that you might strike me down with your smell! Well, now it is my turn to threaten. When I catch you, you stupid animal, I'll have you spitted, roasted, and then I'll eat you. What do you think of that? Nothing to say, for a change?

[Harrack runs around the stage, chasing the pig, which avoids him, eventually running off stage. The Chorus grab Harrack's clothing, trip him, and generally get in his way. Harrack gives up the chase.]

HARRACK: [Panting.] Pah, it is no matter. Once I have finished my summoning, one stinky pig won't matter. [Harrack exits to the right.]

Scene ii

[Peoni enters from the back.]

PEONI: It has been some time since I sent St. Mykel down to help my people. Why has he not returned? [At that moment, the pig enters.]

PEONI: [Surprised.] How did this creature come in here? But wait, this pig seems to be no ordinary beast. Why, I believe it wishes to speak to me! [She kneels next to the pig, listening to it.] What's this you say? You're not a pig? You certainly look like a pig to me. I think you really should speak up, pig, otherwise I won't be able to understand you. You say you're really Mikka? Not Mikka the innkeeper, surely? I didn't think she'd even been born yet! Oh, Mykel, my own St. Mykel. Yes, well you mustn't mumble, Mykel, it does make this so difficult. What was that? Havoc? Yes, it is a bit of a nuisance I can see that. Oh, no, wait, you mean haddock? I think you're a little confused, Mykel, you're a pig, not a fish. Ah, Harrack, he's the one who did this. Now, it's no good sulking. Just come along with me and we'll sort this all out. We can't be having someone turning my followers into pigs, certainly not. I shall see to this myself. Follow me, Mykel!

[Exit Peoni and pig at the back.]

Scene iii

[Enter Harrack from the right. Enter Peoni from the back.]

HARRACK: Almost done, almost done! Surely there is no force powerful enough to stop me now.

PEONI: Harrack! Cease your evil work; put down your staff, and put aside thoughts of destruction and violence.

HARRACK: And who is this, to disturb me again? Some new enemy, come to vie with my strength? What will it be this time, a pig-keeper, to match the pig? [Laughs.]

PEONI: I have kept pigs in my time, Harrack, but you should know that it is Peoni who faces you. Has it been so long that you have forgotten already your old mistress?

HARRACK: [Staring intently at Peoni.] Why, so it is you, Peoni. Still dressed in those rags, I see. And now you're tossing aside that o so virtuous humility, in order to try and squash me like a bug. Well, I won't have it.

PEONI: Give up this evil way, and rejoin me as a peaceful attendent in Valon. It is futile for you to try this mad plan. It will harm only you. Join me once more and I shall allow you to enter my realm and dwell there in comfort.

HARRACK: I do not wish your forgiveness, only your destruction!

PEONI: [Sighs.] Very well, you have again made your choice. I have made mine, and the resolution will be swift.

[Exit Peoni at back. ]

HARRACK: Ha, that was easy. A little banter, and she crumbles. Now to complete the summoning. But what's this?

[Enter Peoni from back, beating the pig in front of her, directly at Harrack.]

PEONI: I return, Harrack, to put an end to your cruelty!

[Harrack is knocked over by the pig, and falls into the pit.]

HARRACK: [From pit.] Argh! No! I am doomed, and this pit shall forever be my home! I curse you, Peoni, with my last breath. You and all your children shall suffer my undying wrath!

[The pig disappears off-stage, and St. Mykel enters.]

ST. MYKEL: My Lady, I am saved! My true form is once again my own. You have saved the day, the evil Harrack is slain, and once again the land is peaceful.

PEONI: Yes, the land and all her creatures is safe once more. But the evil of Harrack is not yet vanquished. We shall have to face him again, many years from now. But let us return to Valon, and take comfort in the peace we have won!

[Exit Peoni and St. Mykel.]

Scene iv

[Enter Chorus of farmers from left.]

CHORUS: Once again we leave our fields, but this time in joy. The land is saved, the crops grow tall, the milk flows freely. Let us offer up our prayers to those who have saved us. To Peoni, our Mother, Mistress of Valon, and to St. Mykel, our protector. Without them we would be nothing. To them we give thanks. Evil is conquered, and once more we make look forward to the future with gladness in our hearts.

***Again, more words.***


HRT : Peoni
Last updated: 27 February 2001 by Jamie 'Trotsky' Revell